So Many Things...

Have been coming across my mind lately. It's actually unnatural. Well I think it is. I have been feeling useless, worthless, all that depressing stuff. I could give you a list about how I feel about myself but I won't. I don't really understand it all that much honestly. One thing for sure that I know is that I don't have anyone that I can trust anymore. I had one best friend that I could trust with my life. But she isn't there much anymore. She found new people. Well a boyfriend and a new best friend. I should be happy for her, but I'm not. And it upsets me that I even came to the conclusion that I'm not happy for her. I used to be her "twin" I guess. At least that's what we said freshman year. You can say I live in the past. I haven't really grown up much and I really need to. She is having problems with her relationship with her boyfriend. I try to ask if there is anything but she says there isn't. I also just realized, I'm a bit slow, that she and I only hang out when she has no one else to hang out with now. It makes me feel like shit. She doesn't talk to me at school. I guess I'm just going to give up on that friendship. I try all the time to actually keep this little fragile thread of hope that things will become like they used to be but that isn't going to happen. Why do I try to convince myself this?

Another thing, this guy that I've known from freshman year came back from Florida. Before we left, we liked each other. Now that he came back things have gone to SHIT. Our friendship is also turned upside down. We fight all the time. I feel like punching myself in the face every time we fight. But we fight anyways. I guess it's all my fault. He is leaving again for Florida in about two weeks anyways. Probably won't even be back this time.

Another guy in particular, a guy I've been in love with since 7th grade. This little fucker has made me go through so much shit. Broke my heart, came back after it has finally been pieced back together very badly, and steps all over it again. I feel like I'll never find anyone every again. God, I don't even know how to describe it. This whole blog is just me complaining about my life and shit like that. I don't really expect any sympathy or remorse or anything. I just have to figure a way to get all my feelings out. Nothing else has been working. I've been putting on that mask for so long that it's finally fading. My mom has been making me worry a lot lately. She's sick all the time and I don't know what to do. I'm very afraid that if she goes in the hospital again that she might not be out for a longer time than the last time that she was in. If my mom does happen to die, and I'm not saying she will, but I'm afraid that I won't have a way to live on my own so I'll have to go live with my dad. I hate my dad the most. I'll talk about him later though. I'm going to rap it up here. I've been very sleepy lately. I think I'll just take a nap now.